Is My Anus Showing?

I promised my wife that I would rest on a turd if I got tired swimming in the Willamette River, but thank god I never got tired as there was never a turd, other than the one who kept trying to give me a back massage while pretending to swim, to be seen. In fact, once the swimming began, I'd forgotten I was swimming in this river of ill-repute. It certainly tasted as good as, if not better than, any other triathlon venue I've experienced.

It was a loop from the Hawthorne to the Morrison bridge and back. My new goggles did keep the water out, but I was virtually blind the entire race and I have some qualms with the way the route was marked. Spotting white buoys aren't that easy. Bright orange are much better.

I've decided once and for all to dispatch with a wetsuit. The water was 68 degrees and with the assistance of adrenalin, didn't feel really cold at all. I complain when the pool I practice in is under 80 degress, but come race day I don't notice. I can't pretend I didn't enjoy hearing someone say as I passed, "he's hard core." But I'm pretty sure he was referring to my blue '50s style Speedo. I'm pretty sure that in water over 60 degrees that the real purpose of wearing a wetsuit is for the buoyancy and aero effect, but I find it so confining and such a pain in the ass to take off in the transition, that those benefits are cancelled out.

The swim to bike transition went fairly smoothly (though a breeze blew in such a way that I felt like my entire ass was exposed). I opted to go sockless again and did not get the nasty blister that I did on the last race. I'm not sure what the difference was. And once again, as people struggled to find their pedals, I was off without a hitch. I was dueling up a hill with a young lady at one point and low and behold, her pedal slipped and she knocked her foot into her back tire and she wound up stopping. Never saw her again. I'll not be too smug as one day my foot could slip off the pedal from not being clipped in and something tragic could happen.

I'm not sure if it was a mistake or not, but I didn't pay too much attention to the bike course pre-race, but I was almost immediately cursing and hyper-ventillating my way up Barbur Blvd, which is about two miles steady uphill. It had been a while since I'd biked that way and I had forgotten what a bugger it could be, but I didn't break 11 miles per hour for the first couple of miles. The reward was a much longer stretch of downhill that I screamed thirty miles an hour down. Terwilliger, which collars Marquam Hill, is one of the more fun roads to bike down.

This was a three loop course and at first I was dreading the last two loops, but it was actually much easier as I was warmed up and knew what to expect, which made my gearing much smoother.

One of the more annoying moments on the bike course was the guy on the mountain bike. He would pass me going up-hill and I would fly by him on the downhill. Literally the whole race. Why, I was demanding, was I anywhere near someone on a mountain bike?! It really became a matter of principle and I really just wanted to knock him down. I wound up ahead of him coming into the transition, but he passed me shortly after the start of the run. I was literally think, "alright, this is my last triathlon. Being a backpacker is one thing, but being beaten by some tool dressed like he's going to gym class, riding a mountain bike, that is the final insult. Time to hang it up and take up crocheting." Shortly after that, a hot girl passed me and I calmed down.

The first two miles on the run were not very comfortable as my left leg was asleep. But keeping Mountain Bike Jerk and Hot Blond Girl in sight, I made it to an aid station and ate a gu and drank some powerade and immediately felt better. It was a flat course looping twice, but there is some elevation change going up and down the bridge. I started feeling much better and was able to keep a pretty brisk pace. Finally, with two miles to go I passed Hot Blond Girl. She made some effort to get back passed me, but I picked it up a notch and re-passed her. It must be kind of weird to be hot like that. Every guy she ran by tracked her like an air-to-air missile with their eyes. I suppose her artificially enhanced bosom should tell me that she doesn't mind it.

And then, much to my great fortune for I'm not joking about considering hanging it up, I passed Mountain Bike Jerk in the last half mile and wound up at least 30 seconds ahead of him. For all I know, he was the mountain bike champion of the world, but my mind puts a negative spin on things like that.

Overall, it was a really fun race. Though I was 15 minutes slower than my last race, I'm positive that it was all time lost on the bike. I think I broke even on the swim and probably improved my run by at least a couple of minutes. The two races were quite a bit different so it doesn't make a lot of sense to try and compare them, so I'll just have to do them both again next year and see how I come out.