Like Forrest Gump's Dad/Dispensing Advice

I went on vacation to Hawaii, which is not conducive to sticking to an exercise plan. I did manage to swim every day, but I only ran once. Nonetheless I don't feel like I've lost fitness and I'm slowly getting back into the routine.

I've been dispensing a lot of advice to people regarding running and triathlons lately. Most of it is very basic, but it always sparks the fantasy of becoming a personal trainer, setting my own hours and training on a more full time basis. I start trolling the internet on exercise physiology programs, the various organizations that certify personal fitness instructors and then after all that, I usually burn out on it and just trudge back to my stupid day job (which isn't really stupid, that's a reference to a song by Wally Pleasant)

I may not be the best personal trainer anyway. I always starts these ambitious, scientifically succinct training programs for my triathlons, which I wind up tweaking beyond recognition, plus I can be a bit self-indulgent. And since I'm a big subscriber to leading by example, maybe I'm not the right example.

I read other bloggers and magazines and websites and I feel like the laziest person in the world. My god, people are running, biking and swimming themselves into the ground. Maybe it just sounds like a lot when you read it on paper, but my #1 goal at all times is the "no pain, no pain" principle. If I'm more  sore than a couple of advil can take care of, I feel like I have over-trained. Never mind feeling like vomiting after a workout, which is apparently the badge of honor for the truly hard-core, self-hating type. 

Screw that. I'm not called the Urban Backpacker for nothing. There just aren't enough slackers in triathlon these days. I was listening to a personal trainer interacting with her athlete just last night and the conversation went like this:

Athlete: I'm afraid to tell you this, but I ate a cheeseburger, fries and a coke at McDonald's for lunch.

Coach: I'm surprised you're even able to get through this workout. That food is so impure it's like garbage.

Let's see, you got the carbs, you got the protein, you got a little fat in there, you need that, plus that sugar, hell, what do you think gatorade and powerbars are-processed crap in a fancy wrapper. Fast food is not like pouring sand in a gas tank, after all-in moderation. I have seriously considered McDonald's cheeseburgers as my ironman food. After racing for six hours, consuming sugar water and candy bars, you want something that's substantive, appetizing and easy to eat. I probably won't do this-though I don't see why not- unless someone dares me to or says I shouldn't. My contrarian nature.

I admit that my nutritional cornerstones of pizza, fried chicken and beer are not going to power me to a first place finish, but trust me, I've been working with these genetics my whole life and eating like a hippie on a commune is not going to improve my performance all that much.

And I do exaggerate, I maintain a pretty consistent and healthy diet, but lighten up, coach! I think Woody Allen said, and I paraphrase, "you can live to be 100 if you give up everything that makes you want to live to be 100."

So maybe personal training is not my calling. I may not be stern and joyless enough.