Stupid Design

I was riding home from work yesterday and began thinking about my bike seat, when a thought-string began forming. It involves human anatomical design and some of the basic idiocies. We all know about tonsils and the appendix and who knows what other worthless redundancies built into the human body. But if there is a God, and he is a perfect God, then what is with the inclusion of the two most useless appendages know to man? Balls, that is.

If I put together a product that shoddy, I’d lose my job. Him, He gets worshipped and congratulated non-stop. Couldn’t you at least have put them on the inside like you did for women? This is the true route to mysogeny. Men hate women for not having to have balls.

Shrinkage? I know from shrinkage. Try swimming for an hour in a suit that begins the slow, forceable retraction of the balls. Then it’s five hours on a bike seat that slowly wedges them into the body cavity. By the time it’s time to run a marathon, my gender is seriously in doubt. It takes “the boys” some few hours after the race to peek out, realize the coast is clear and slowly make the descension back into manhood. Other than for reproduction and the fact that a significant portion of the population like them, and most who own them like their own, I find them utterly silly and worthless.

You hear males bragging about what big balls they have. To me, that just increases their odds of losing a fight. It is the most obvious target and I’m thinking less is more in this area. In the best of times, they’re a nuisance, getting bound up. But the more you allow yourself to hang loose, the more likely you are to become a victim of ball knock, whether it’s just them stupidly banging into each other or an outside object coming in to do more serious damage. If it were a sensible choice, I’d get them removed altogether. They have breast reductions and I’m here to demand ball reductions.

These bike seats that 99% of everyone who rides a bicycle has, are basically designed in such a way that while you ride, it is very much like having a sledge hammer gently pounding away at the most sensitive part of your body. We can send a plumber to the space shuttle, but we can’t come up with a bike seat design that doesn’t in some cases literally cause permanent damage.
I had an Adamo bike seat that was pretty good, basically designed like a two-pronged fork that allows the unmentionable bits a little room to not compress. So whoever stole my last bike, you're welcome for that excellent seat.

I have seen hornless bike seats but I have yet to drop the money for one. It’s one thing to have platform pedals, but do I really have the courage to have a bicycle seat that is designed like a half-donut? Then again, if I can still be identified as a male through my genitalia following the bike portion of the race, you all can laugh all you want, because I’ll be laughing at you. And at my stupid still-bouncing balls, of course.